IKEA furniture comes with instructions…
Our new car has a user’s manual the size of a small phone book (for those of us old enough to remember what those are)…
Even my electric pencil sharpener came with a little booklet of helpful information…
So why isn’t there a Parenting Manual to help us with the hardest job we’ll ever have?!
Though it’s been years since my three kids were babies, I’m sorry to say I’ve still never come across a detailed guide that tells me precisely what to do in every parenting situation.
But just because there isn’t an official manual doesn’t mean we’re totally on our own. Parenting has been around for a looong time, and there’s a lot of help to be found from people who have been there and done that.
I’ve hesitated to write a “parenting advice” post since I’m no expert. But I’m not so sure there are any experts when it comes to parenting. There are just people at various stages of learning what works and doesn’t work through trial and error. So, in case it helps any other parents out there, here are some of the most effective parenting tips and resources I’ve come across so far!
Parenting Advice that Works
I wish I could say these ideas are all my own, but they’re not. They’re all helpful bits of advice that I’ve picked up from others along the way, and they’ve proven very effective over the years!
Less is More
Over-scheduling our kids robs them of the free time and quiet breaks they all desperately need!
Your kids don’t need to play a sport every single season, or be in every play the theater group offers, or be in all the clubs, or go to all the camps — especially if that means you’re all constantly stressed out!
There will be plenty of time for them to try some activities and learn new things. But it’s the unstructured “I’m bored” moments when kids can think deeply, engage their imaginations, and often learn the most about their own passions and interests!
Less is More (Again)
Less is also more when it comes to stuff.
Our culture is supersaturated with material things. And as entertaining, engaging, and educational as some of it might be, ultimately the quantity of stuff we have just isn’t what matters in life (in fact, it often distracts us from the things that do matter).
Time observing the pace and design in nature, time building relationships and helping others, time learning skills and ideas — these often seem “less” interesting or “less” important than the latest flashy tech or trendy new toy. But these “lesser” things are really what our kids need most!
Encouraging Words… Always
Most parents know that screaming words of discouragement at their child isn’t an effective approach to parenting. But what I’ve seen many parents overlook is the damage caused by kids overhearing their parents’ negative remarks.
At the park or at playdates it surprises me how many times I’ve heard moms and dads disparage each other or their kids when their kids were within earshot.
Imagine how you’d feel if, as a child, you overheard your mom venting to her friend about how you’re always such a whiner. What if she constantly complained about your dad to everyone? Or what if she regularly joked about you being a slob and lamented that you weren’t more like your sibling?
Your kids are listening to you, parents! Please be respectful always — not just when you’re talking to them, but also when you’re talking about them and other family members!
Let them overhear you sharing positive stories and proud parent moments with your friends! Everyone appreciates kind words. But the words of a parent can make or break a child’s self-image for years to come!
Speak in the Affirmative
That is, say what you want your child to do or become, not what you don’t want them to do or become. Some examples of what I mean…
Say “Walk!” instead of “Don’t run!”
Say “That’s two seconds faster than last time!” rather than “You still haven’t reached your goal.”
Say “That’s ok, please grab a paper towel” instead of “Stop spilling your milk!”
For one, putting a positive spin on things makes you seem like more of a leader and less of a nag. But it also takes the focus off the negative thing you want to get rid of and instead motivates your child towards the goal you’re hoping to achieve.
You’re Their Parent, Not Their BFF
Parents have a unique role in their children’s lives. While many parents and kids might consider each other friends in some ways — they enjoy hanging out together, playing games, sharing hobbies — “parent” and “friend” aren’t synonymous.
It causes all kinds of emotional, mental health, and behavior problems when the parent-child relationship devolves to “best buddies” or “confidants.”
Kids need parents to protect, guide, love, and nurture them. They need advice, training, and discipline, even when it might make you seem “unfriendly.”
Help them learn to be a good friend. Help them find quality friendships. But you focus on being the parent your kids need!
Focus on the Important Things
Lately I’ve been reflecting on what things really matter when it comes to what to teach my kids. I elaborate on this a lot more in this post: What Matters Now? A Mom’s Reflections on Raising a Son.
Ultimately, a lot of the things that parents worry about and obsess over just don’t matter in the long run (like burnt cupcakes, grass stains, perfect attendance, and clothing brands). The more I’ve been able to remember this, the more I’m able to stay grounded and focused on the things that do matter (like faith and a solid worldview, character and integrity, resilience, and emotional intelligence).
When I’m focused on the important things, I’m more likely to be “relaxed, rational, regular mom” instead of “rushed, over-stressed, freaking-out mom.” And, of course, that’s better for everyone!
Recommended Parenting Books
(There may be affiliate links in this post – click here to learn more. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.)
There are so many parenting books out there, it’s hard to name just a few. But this handful of suggestions is a great place to start!
Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth M.D.
There are many gimmicky books out there claiming magical methods for getting kids to sleep, but this isn’t one of them. This book was so useful in helping me understand the different research-based sleep patterns of kids at all different ages. It gives a ton of suggestions that helped us troubleshoot whatever sleep issues our kids were having.
At one point I (foolishly) gave away my copy. I thought we were done with it since my two kids had gotten older and outgrown their sleep issues. Then my third child was born and she was very different from my first two, so I bought another copy and it saved the day (or, actually, the nights) again!
Loving the Little Years: Motherhood in the Trenches by Rachel Jankovic
This book is such a help to parents with young kids! It really encouraged me to keep a hopeful, forward-thinking perspective in the midst of the diapers and blow-outs and tantrums.
It’s easy to join the ranks of tired moms who just want to get each difficult stage and exhausting day over with. But Jankovic helps us really love and appreciate the fleeting “little years” and keep the end in sight.
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say: Communicating with your children successfully can make or break all of your other parenting efforts. Striving to improve how you talk to your kids will pay huge dividends for the rest of your lives!
This book gave very practical advice and clear, real-life examples. It’s helpful for parents with kids of all ages (or anyone that works with kids), and it reminds adults how our behavior comes across to children. Even if you only implement a few of their suggestions, that would be plenty to make significant, lasting changes in your family’s communication styles and overall effectiveness.
The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When The World Overwhelms Them by Elaine N. Aron Ph.D.
This book helped me understand myself and my kids so much better! If your child struggles with shyness, behavior issues, or emotional regulation, or if you suspect they may have Asperger’s, Autism, anxiety, or attention problems, The Highly Sensitive Child (and it’s adult version, The Highly Sensitive Person) may open your eyes to new information and strategies that could be life-changing!
As many as one in five children may find themselves dealing with traits of high sensitivity, so it’s much more common than I realized. Even if you don’t think these issues affect you or your kids, there are still helpful suggestions in this book that anyone could use to improve their own emotional intelligence and better understand friends who might be highly sensitive people.
Think About Homeschooling: What It Is, What It Isn’t, & Why It Works by Sandy Glenn
I guess I’m a little bit biased on this one since I wrote it myself. I wish I could hand one out to every parent when they have their first baby! It’s never too early to consider what educational path you’ll choose for your kids.
So many parents follow the cultural norms without realizing they have realistic choices for their children’s education. They don’t realize that when they signed up for daycare or preschool, or put their kid on the public school bus for their first day of kindergarten, they were choosing to stop homeschooling and outsourcing a portion of their education.
Think About Homeschooling helps dispel the misconceptions around homeschooling (like “I could never do that, I’m not a teacher” or “we could never afford that” or “homeschoolers are weird and unsocialized”). It helps explain the true and amazing benefits of home education and shows how it’s possible for average parents to consistently find such success and fulfillment when they choose this path.
Even if after reading this homeschooling book you decide homeschooling isn’t a good fit, you’ll know that you truly weighed all your options and intentionally chose the best path for your unique family!
Like I said earlier, there may not be an official Parenting Manual… but there’s no shortage of helpful advice to guide you on the journey!
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